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All I wanted for my birthday was for my toilets to work. Well, thats not really the only thing; its just high on an extensive list. You see, Ive lived in the same townhome for seventeen years this month and things are beginning to decay, along with its owner, but Ill get to that later.

I only have a few dislikes in life; two of them that I really detest are: stoplights and malfunctioning and obstinate toilet mechanisms.

Stoplights are easy to hatethey turn red when youre in a hurry and dont want to stop, plus, we so much waste gas sitting at them. I probably waste more gas by driving around the block to avoid them. Why havent more American cities utilized the roundabout that much of the world utilizes?

Toilets are another story altogether.

They often continue to fill wasting precious water because the design of the internal mechanism is archaic. Ostensibly, theres a black ball that is supposed to float to the surface of the contained water and shut off the valve when the tank is full. Well, it never floats high enough and constantly requires time and attention.

Having reached that frustrating station in life where the toilet is becoming a close personal friend, because of too much coffee, tea, wine, water, or whatever, I now visit my confidante during the night more than I used to.

Finishing my business, I sleepily get back into bed while the toilet is filling. I wait, thinking the contraption will shut off eventually. I pull a pillow over my head, so I wont hear what Im thinking about. But its still there, running monotonously.

Peeved, I get up, take the tank lid off, pull up the rod, slam the lid back on and storm off to bed. But now, Im too upset to get back to sleep. Brother, I gotta get a life or more patience.

In my usual pragmatic manner, I really tried to solve the problem: Ive bent the rod attached to the ball to make it lower, given the intellectual understanding that the pressure of being further under water would add more force on the ball to surface; Ive lubricated the valve with so much WD-40 that an oily film now coats the inside of the tank; Ive extended the ball to the absolute end of the rod, thinking that if it was further from the valve and lower in the water it had to pop up and shut the system off.

Right.

In a world with of such fancy gadgetry like: cell phones that take pictures and connect to the Internet, satellite guided navigation systems mounted in the dash of your car; wireless hand-held computers; watches that do everything but make coffee; his and hers individualized inflatable mattresses complete with a sleep numbering system; implanted chips in our pets to identify them if they get lostwhy cant we invent a toilet that flushes, forever!?!

I know I know, I should just be happy and grateful that there arent any telemarketers bugging me at 5:15 pm each night anymore. Did you ever notice that they never sell new and improved toilet flushers? I should just eat mass quantities of chocolate, it's supposed to help men cope.

Anyway you look at it, toilets are a pain in the butt (sorry, I couldnt resist myself).

Long years ago, my Dad remodeled his bathroom. The color of the era was pink. This past year, the toilet went kaput and a new one was needed, but do you think a pink one could be found? No one sells pink anymore, we were told. Not even to Mary Kay with her pink Cadillacs?

And whats up with padded toilet seats? I hope I dont get any of those for my birthday. I hate it when I go to someones home and theres a padded toilet seat. They just dont seem natural. How do you clean it? Theyre just weird to me.

And where did the blue water things go? None of my friends use them anymore, did blue go out of favor just like pink? I digress.

Well, to be forthright, Ive already solved the problem. Or I should say my Dad did. He couldnt stand the toilets running on either (its a family thing), so I bought the replacements and he changed all three of them for me as a birthday gift...how bout that?

Thanks, Dad. I love being a kid, even if, an inept, 58 year-old one.

These new flushers are revolutionary though, no ball, no rod...no foolin. Its a self-contained plastic mechanism thats a complete mystery, just like Santa Claus.

The only obvious drawback is when it stops working, I cant bend, submerge, oil or extend anything. Ill have to buy a new one. Therein lies the rub: planned obsolescence. The manufactures are always a step ahead of us, huh?

Well, at least its one item that I can check off my All I want for birthday list. I wonder if Ill get the Ronco onion chopper or the Chia pet Ive ask for? Hmmm.

Anyway you look at it, it's fun to ponder.

Keith E. Renninson is a motivational speaker and co-author of the popular parenting tool and illustrated storybook "Zooch the Pooch, My Best Friend". Through the 1990's with much self-examination, academic study, bicycle racing, and mountain climbing, he discovered a renewed zest of life, which included a love of metaphysics, philosophy, humor, and writing and speaking. As Keith says, "Some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue...it's all in what you make of it." You can read more about "Zooch the Pooch" or contact Keith to speak at: http://www.zoochthepooch.com Keith and his co-author Michael Conrad Kelley speak to teens and adults on "The Seven Simple Steps to a More Fulfilling Life." This course focuses on how to build a successful Life Philosophy that works for each individual.